What I Wish I Would Have Said

Do you ever have those times when you have spoken with someone, later to recant the conversation in your mind, realizing that there was so much more value to what you WANTED to say, vs what you ACTUALLY said?

Well, that happened to me last night. Again. It's 4:30AM and I can't sleep. Why? Because all I can think about is what I wish I would have said, vs. what I managed to get out of my mouth. I so often wish that my mouth would speak words like my hands can write them! So often, conversations are left misunderstood (at least from my perspective) because I get nervous and struggle to speak the raw and honest truths from my heart, without total meltdown. Honestly, I'm a person who could talk for HOURS! Wade and I spend hours of almost every day in deep conversation about life, relationships and the things of God! But then, when I'm talking to people that I don't know as well or when I'm a bit intimidated....it's like my vocabulary shuts down and my mind turns to mush....leaving me gasping for the things that I really want to say!

Last night, this occurrence happened as I struggled to explain my testimony of Salvation. What bothers me is that I've known God, practically my whole life! TRUTH: many of those years were skewed understandings of who He truly is. Yet, I feel like giving a testimony of my journey to understanding true salvation should be easy because it is the most wonderful and glorious part of my life!

What I wish I would have said was, that my first understanding of God was that He is Yahweh the LORD our God! He is our creator, our maker, the Great I-AM, the beginning and the end. As a child my heart was in awe, with no doubt, that God was EVERYTHING and that I found safety in Him....no matter what I was facing in my own, natural life.

What I wish I would have said was, that I then spent years seeking after the hands of God and spent so much time focusing on my own heart, that I neglected to seek His. My "christian" life was submerged in a culture that was given fancy "christian titles" and a culture that sought out the supernatural with little regard to what the Scriptures really say. My prayers were genuine, yet shallow, and my faith lacked the wisdom to understand any differently.

What I wish I would have said was, once I found myself questioning the existence of such a God, who never "performed" in front of my own eyes, that I sought out mass religions in order to find the Great I-AM; with little luck of finding Him in those places either.

What I wish I would have said was, that I went back to the only type of "Christianity" that I knew and wasted years of my life serving man instead of God. That I now sought His face, but still forgot about His Word. The Bible was a place for reference, instead of enlightenment. That I spent many years using HIS scripture to prove MY causes instead of understanding that my causes should be created AFTER reading His scriptures!

and...What I REALLY, REALLY wish I would have said was, that after all of these years....after a few years of pulling away from the messed up "christian culture" that I was so (willingly) lead astray by, after seeking truth in His word and after coming to God in repentance for wasting so many years trying to make Him into something He is not, that my weak and tired heart finally understood that all the "efforts" I made in order to be walking in His salvation, were nothing more than dung! Because salvation is not about what I do (besides belief, understanding of His sacrifice and repentance), but instead about what HE does and has done. It's about a gift that is free but costs EVERYTHING-much like His life! I am saved because He is a jealous God who longs for His people and gave life, defeated death and overcame the grave....to have....me. I often question why He would even bother with such sacrifice, for someone like me, but then am humbled by the fact that He did and understand that there is nothing in the world that I could ever to do in order to MAKE it happen or in order to repay His love! And that I now know, at 31 years of age, that without a shadow of doubt that I am saved by His sacrifice, by His mercy, and by His grace, because this wretched heart deserves nothing on it's own, yet, through all of it desires nothing more than to spend every day of the rest of my life coming before Him and worshiping Him, thanking Him, and honoring Him for being so gracious.

Daily, I die to myself (take responsibility for my sin and repent/confess to God) and choose to live for Him. That is not my salvation, no, instead it is a humble heart that says, "thank you Lord".

"Lord, please help me to say the things of my heart. To speak your truths and the confidence that I have in you! Help me to NOT miss the moments of interference that could change a life for eternity, just because I struggle to get the words out. Let this voice be used for you and to speak your word, until there is no more sound left in this natural body. Then, I pray, let it be used to magnify you in heaven, for all of eternity. Amen"