My Dilemma

I just realized that I have completely forgotten to share my "visual" to go along with the previous post "Mirror Mirror". Sorry about that. Tomorrow will be a great day to get that post finished and up on the blog. I'll give you a hint *it references the sisters, Martha and Mary (friends of Jesus)*

In the meantime, I have something else that is completely occupying my mind and I feel that I must share it and get as much advice and feed back as possible, else I might be found curled up in bed, crying, for the rest of the night, or, huddled over a gallon of ice cream, contemplating life!

Before I go into detail, on my dilemma, please know that I have been in prayer about this. Have I prayed as much as possible? Not likely. Issues like these tend to distract me from what I know I should be doing. What is that verse again, where Paul explains how he does what he shouldn't and long for what he knows is right?! Yeah, totally different dilemma...guaranteed. But nonetheless, I have prayed and am still completely torn!

Here's the deal....

(An excerpt from a recent email that I sent to my very best High School friend, who now has kids of her own, who are older than mine)

“I'm REALLY struggling right now with the whole "school" issue. V'leah is 3 1/2 and is a very active child!!! We were recommended to do Head Start with her, already, last year. Never did. Then I decided that I don't like head start and have never liked public school....so then thought about alternatives. Frankly, we cannot afford private, while we are both FT college students. So I opted for Home Schooling, which I've always thought would be great to do with my kids one day. We got some books (not an official program, since she's only pre-school aged) and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how I'm possibly going to Home School her and give her the time and attention (not to mention finding other child interactions), while having Jo only being 1 and Selah due in Dec, 

my FT school schedule AND wade's! 

Am I crazy?!?!

IDK...I SO want to offer the best I can for my kids...but just not sure if I'm making decisions that are right for them, or for me. I'm so scared of sending my kids into the world and having them come home bruised and beaten down! To come home with spouses of the same sex (or having to explain that lifestyle choice to them) or with drugs in their pockets or babies in their bellies! I know that at age 3, there is only so much they are truly exposed to...but, do you know what I mean? Have you ever had these thoughts before?

So I guess what I'm asking is, how you do it? Tips?! I know you struggled through Public School....what was it that made the decision for you that it would be ok for your kids? It totally doesn't help that I'm prego and jam packed with emotions! grrr.... but yeah, wade is totally on board for Head Start....I'm feeling like I want to bury myself in a hole and cry! So much for having it all together for my kids........”

Am I a double minded mother?! It seems like there have been quite a few times when I've declared a decision for something (pro or con)...I end up being defeated, by myself!! My good intentions tend to become failures...all the while, what I REALLY want to do is be an extraordinary mom! My heart is torn. I think that I often get so excited for opportunities and ideas that I forget to count the cost of such decisions/actions. The one place in life where I am certain is in my faith. But even in my faith, I find myself trying to keep up with all of the super-mom's who keep their babies "untouched" by the "world" and who raise/have raised exemplary children who are polite and behave themselves. Who know all of the presidents in order and quote the Bible better than many adults! You know, those amazing kids that we all wish our children would learn from?! 

Well...the fact is, my kids came with wings. Not angel wings, but wings like the birds! My girls have beautiful spirits that long to stretch out their wings and fly into adventures! Yes, they are loud and often cranky. I mean...they ARE girls...LOL! j/k. They ask questions at very inopportune times and speak up when they have something they feel is important to say. They dance when they hear melodies and pretend to be ballerinas and princesses and bugs (yes, that is their new thing...buzzing all over the house). They like to touch things and smell them and understand how they work. They don't understand why people are mean and will be sure to notify if they feel they are being unfairly treated (which leads to some awesome "learning" conversations). It's likely that my children will not always be attentively by my side. It's likely you will find us running after one of them at the local department store, or trying to bribe them with treats and rides, if only they will just SIT in the cart! And you might, on occasion  find my 3 year old running through a aisle with a silly hat, purse and/or sunglasses (all of which we humbly say "good-bye" to, before heading for the checkout)......

But are they unruly? No. It is possible that they might be party monkey (curious George-like). My girls are sweet and with all of the energy that they exuberate, they give just as much LOVE!

So no, they are not perfect. And even typing this post, I'm realizing how UN-perfect I will ALWAYS be! Yet, I'm still torn between keeping my girls safe in my arms (at least for now) or trusting that maybe, just maybe we have done a good enough job parenting, thus far, to trust our girls to make wise-as wise as a 3 year old can make-decisions and that everything might work out ok.

Have any of you mom's gotten trapped into the comparison game? Or had a school dilemma before? How have you coped and overcome? This is my call out for HELP. I'm listening...any tips? Advice?