What I Wish I Would Have Said

Do you ever have those times when you have spoken with someone, later to recant the conversation in your mind, realizing that there was so much more value to what you WANTED to say, vs what you ACTUALLY said?

Well, that happened to me last night. Again. It's 4:30AM and I can't sleep. Why? Because all I can think about is what I wish I would have said, vs. what I managed to get out of my mouth. I so often wish that my mouth would speak words like my hands can write them! So often, conversations are left misunderstood (at least from my perspective) because I get nervous and struggle to speak the raw and honest truths from my heart, without total meltdown. Honestly, I'm a person who could talk for HOURS! Wade and I spend hours of almost every day in deep conversation about life, relationships and the things of God! But then, when I'm talking to people that I don't know as well or when I'm a bit intimidated....it's like my vocabulary shuts down and my mind turns to mush....leaving me gasping for the things that I really want to say!

Last night, this occurrence happened as I struggled to explain my testimony of Salvation. What bothers me is that I've known God, practically my whole life! TRUTH: many of those years were skewed understandings of who He truly is. Yet, I feel like giving a testimony of my journey to understanding true salvation should be easy because it is the most wonderful and glorious part of my life!

What I wish I would have said was, that my first understanding of God was that He is Yahweh the LORD our God! He is our creator, our maker, the Great I-AM, the beginning and the end. As a child my heart was in awe, with no doubt, that God was EVERYTHING and that I found safety in Him....no matter what I was facing in my own, natural life.

What I wish I would have said was, that I then spent years seeking after the hands of God and spent so much time focusing on my own heart, that I neglected to seek His. My "christian" life was submerged in a culture that was given fancy "christian titles" and a culture that sought out the supernatural with little regard to what the Scriptures really say. My prayers were genuine, yet shallow, and my faith lacked the wisdom to understand any differently.

What I wish I would have said was, once I found myself questioning the existence of such a God, who never "performed" in front of my own eyes, that I sought out mass religions in order to find the Great I-AM; with little luck of finding Him in those places either.

What I wish I would have said was, that I went back to the only type of "Christianity" that I knew and wasted years of my life serving man instead of God. That I now sought His face, but still forgot about His Word. The Bible was a place for reference, instead of enlightenment. That I spent many years using HIS scripture to prove MY causes instead of understanding that my causes should be created AFTER reading His scriptures!

and...What I REALLY, REALLY wish I would have said was, that after all of these years....after a few years of pulling away from the messed up "christian culture" that I was so (willingly) lead astray by, after seeking truth in His word and after coming to God in repentance for wasting so many years trying to make Him into something He is not, that my weak and tired heart finally understood that all the "efforts" I made in order to be walking in His salvation, were nothing more than dung! Because salvation is not about what I do (besides belief, understanding of His sacrifice and repentance), but instead about what HE does and has done. It's about a gift that is free but costs EVERYTHING-much like His life! I am saved because He is a jealous God who longs for His people and gave life, defeated death and overcame the grave....to have....me. I often question why He would even bother with such sacrifice, for someone like me, but then am humbled by the fact that He did and understand that there is nothing in the world that I could ever to do in order to MAKE it happen or in order to repay His love! And that I now know, at 31 years of age, that without a shadow of doubt that I am saved by His sacrifice, by His mercy, and by His grace, because this wretched heart deserves nothing on it's own, yet, through all of it desires nothing more than to spend every day of the rest of my life coming before Him and worshiping Him, thanking Him, and honoring Him for being so gracious.

Daily, I die to myself (take responsibility for my sin and repent/confess to God) and choose to live for Him. That is not my salvation, no, instead it is a humble heart that says, "thank you Lord".

"Lord, please help me to say the things of my heart. To speak your truths and the confidence that I have in you! Help me to NOT miss the moments of interference that could change a life for eternity, just because I struggle to get the words out. Let this voice be used for you and to speak your word, until there is no more sound left in this natural body. Then, I pray, let it be used to magnify you in heaven, for all of eternity. Amen"

Terrors in the Night

I was up, again, last night. Much like many of my other mommy friends, I'm sure. However, we were not waken because of baby crying or the fact that I'm six months pregnant and have to pee every 2 hours. No. Instead, we were up again, because of our V'leah.

My 3 year old is an eccentric little person, to say the least. Life with 'leah is never dull, never slow and rarely "normal" -whatever normal is. Her little mind and her strength astound and scare me at the same time. This is the girl who walked at 7 months, who tried to climb out a living room window around her 1st birthday, who potty trained herself (even overnight) with little help or coaxing from me or dad and who often reminds us that she can do things "herself", a little girl who loves all things beautiful and wants nothing more in life (at least at this point in time) than to be loved by God and to be like her current hero, "Angelina Ballerina"-a cartoon mouse. I don't mention these traits about her to brag, although I'm sure when I'm an elder I will, but instead as a plea for prayer! There are many times when I wish she came along with a "caution" sign, so others could understand her better. We don't need people to feel sorry for us or to try to parent our child for us, but instead, prayer and encouragement goes a very, very long ways, in this house.

Last nights incident has unfortunately worked it's way into the "one of those nights" categories, for daddy and I. Last night, around 1am, while most of the other "littles" in our town were fast asleep (or so I hope!), our V'leah was experiencing a night terror. This time, when I found her, she was in a corner squeezing her bunny (named: funny), crying and squealing, "EWE! GROSS! THE WORMS! THE WORMS!"

I cannot begin to tell you how heart wrenching it is to see my brave and strong little girl, so afraid of....nothing. A terror is just that, it's nothing. I've been doing some research in order to try to understand this occurrence and what I've found is that terrors are known to happen between the 3rd and 4th stages of NON-REM sleep. So what she is experiencing is not even fully classified as a dream! Dreams happen during our REM stage, this is a light and fluttery stage of sleep. The point where V'leah is finding worms and swarms of mosquitoes and beetles that haunt her in her sleep is a point of the sleep cycle where her body is in a deep mode of rest, yet somehow, her mind is creating these creatures (for her they are bugs) that cause so much fear and panic, that it wakes her into what is usually a zombie-like (for lack of better terms) cognition. When a person wakes from such a deep rest/sleep, their hearts will often race and they are usually confused and disoriented. Many adults have experienced this feeling when waking from a noise in the house or from a spouse moving in the bed. Usually they are outside elements that cause us to wake, in such a slumber. But for V'leah, her "waking elements" are invisible and do not exists. Hers are fabricated somewhere in that intense little mind of hers.

So last night, after trying to converse with her about the bugs, after checking over every inch of her bed and under the covers too, just to be sure that there were no worms and that indeed she was safe in her own room, she was finally able to trust me and crawl back into her cute little bed. We prayed and I reminded her of something I was recently taught, to combat my own scary nights: to wake up our minds and point out that the objects are "not real"! She then turned over, with funny in hands, and drifted quickly back to sleep. 

But then, I was up. My mind spent the better part of the rest of the night trying to figure out where this is coming from. The research says that there is no specific cause and it usually subsides itself, over time, but that stress can be part of it along with a growing nervous system. "OK", says my mind, "lets logically solve this, then". Stress....I lay there in bed like many recent nights since this has been happening, envisioning our day in reverse, over and over and over again. My own incredibly tired mind struggles through thoughts of inadequacy as a mother, of where I failed her through the day, of how I could have done things differently...better. Thoughts like, "I yelled at her....more than once", "We didn't follow a strict routine", "she must have watched one to many episodes of her favorite show", "we didn't play together enough", "I didn't take her outside to play", "she had to much sugar or low quality food".......Thoughts like these quickly remind me of the LOADS of people who frequently tell us, "change her diet", "that girl needs MORE routine and consistency", "she needs punishment and consequences", "she shouldn't eat certain foods", "she needs energy outlets to work it all off", "you should talk with her more", "you should pray with her more", "you should have her in programs with other kids", "you should have her in programs to use her energy", and the list goes on and on and on....

I am sure other mothers out there understand these sorts of conversations. I've probably suggested things to other moms myself, without realizing how stressful and damaging they could possibly end up becoming. We try to help with valid efforts because we DO care. But lately, with 'leah, honestly...the best help is a cup of coffee and an "I've been there". Or an escape away with my hubby, even just for a couple hours so that we can collect ourselves! Or a smile and a helping hand.

Most days I'm tired. Most days I'm broken as a parent, and learning. Most days I feel inadequate and try to remind God that I'm not strong enough for the things (and people) He gives to me. Most days I wish I could hit rewind and start over again. Most days it is the little things, the hugs and kisses, the "I love yous" and the kind (and rare) moments when I accidentally catch my girls being nice to each other that keep my little light shining. I'm so thankful for the little things. They are really BIG things in my life. They bring joy into my heart and remind me that even though I truly might not be strong enough for all of this, God IS, and He is with me in this crazy journey called life and parenting. I'm not alone. Even in the darkest hours of the night, when all I want to do is cry and take these scary "terrors in the night" away and help my baby have peace....He is there, His spirit encouraging me to wake up one more time. To be strong for her. To be strong for me, and, that this to shall pass.

Have any of you experienced anything like these "night terrors" with your children? If so, what has helped you combat them?

My Dilemma

I just realized that I have completely forgotten to share my "visual" to go along with the previous post "Mirror Mirror". Sorry about that. Tomorrow will be a great day to get that post finished and up on the blog. I'll give you a hint *it references the sisters, Martha and Mary (friends of Jesus)*

In the meantime, I have something else that is completely occupying my mind and I feel that I must share it and get as much advice and feed back as possible, else I might be found curled up in bed, crying, for the rest of the night, or, huddled over a gallon of ice cream, contemplating life!

Before I go into detail, on my dilemma, please know that I have been in prayer about this. Have I prayed as much as possible? Not likely. Issues like these tend to distract me from what I know I should be doing. What is that verse again, where Paul explains how he does what he shouldn't and long for what he knows is right?! Yeah, totally different dilemma...guaranteed. But nonetheless, I have prayed and am still completely torn!

Here's the deal....

(An excerpt from a recent email that I sent to my very best High School friend, who now has kids of her own, who are older than mine)

“I'm REALLY struggling right now with the whole "school" issue. V'leah is 3 1/2 and is a very active child!!! We were recommended to do Head Start with her, already, last year. Never did. Then I decided that I don't like head start and have never liked public school....so then thought about alternatives. Frankly, we cannot afford private, while we are both FT college students. So I opted for Home Schooling, which I've always thought would be great to do with my kids one day. We got some books (not an official program, since she's only pre-school aged) and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how I'm possibly going to Home School her and give her the time and attention (not to mention finding other child interactions), while having Jo only being 1 and Selah due in Dec, 

my FT school schedule AND wade's! 

Am I crazy?!?!

IDK...I SO want to offer the best I can for my kids...but just not sure if I'm making decisions that are right for them, or for me. I'm so scared of sending my kids into the world and having them come home bruised and beaten down! To come home with spouses of the same sex (or having to explain that lifestyle choice to them) or with drugs in their pockets or babies in their bellies! I know that at age 3, there is only so much they are truly exposed to...but, do you know what I mean? Have you ever had these thoughts before?

So I guess what I'm asking is, how you do it? Tips?! I know you struggled through Public School....what was it that made the decision for you that it would be ok for your kids? It totally doesn't help that I'm prego and jam packed with emotions! grrr.... but yeah, wade is totally on board for Head Start....I'm feeling like I want to bury myself in a hole and cry! So much for having it all together for my kids........”

Am I a double minded mother?! It seems like there have been quite a few times when I've declared a decision for something (pro or con)...I end up being defeated, by myself!! My good intentions tend to become failures...all the while, what I REALLY want to do is be an extraordinary mom! My heart is torn. I think that I often get so excited for opportunities and ideas that I forget to count the cost of such decisions/actions. The one place in life where I am certain is in my faith. But even in my faith, I find myself trying to keep up with all of the super-mom's who keep their babies "untouched" by the "world" and who raise/have raised exemplary children who are polite and behave themselves. Who know all of the presidents in order and quote the Bible better than many adults! You know, those amazing kids that we all wish our children would learn from?! 

Well...the fact is, my kids came with wings. Not angel wings, but wings like the birds! My girls have beautiful spirits that long to stretch out their wings and fly into adventures! Yes, they are loud and often cranky. I mean...they ARE girls...LOL! j/k. They ask questions at very inopportune times and speak up when they have something they feel is important to say. They dance when they hear melodies and pretend to be ballerinas and princesses and bugs (yes, that is their new thing...buzzing all over the house). They like to touch things and smell them and understand how they work. They don't understand why people are mean and will be sure to notify if they feel they are being unfairly treated (which leads to some awesome "learning" conversations). It's likely that my children will not always be attentively by my side. It's likely you will find us running after one of them at the local department store, or trying to bribe them with treats and rides, if only they will just SIT in the cart! And you might, on occasion  find my 3 year old running through a aisle with a silly hat, purse and/or sunglasses (all of which we humbly say "good-bye" to, before heading for the checkout)......

But are they unruly? No. It is possible that they might be party monkey (curious George-like). My girls are sweet and with all of the energy that they exuberate, they give just as much LOVE!

So no, they are not perfect. And even typing this post, I'm realizing how UN-perfect I will ALWAYS be! Yet, I'm still torn between keeping my girls safe in my arms (at least for now) or trusting that maybe, just maybe we have done a good enough job parenting, thus far, to trust our girls to make wise-as wise as a 3 year old can make-decisions and that everything might work out ok.

Have any of you mom's gotten trapped into the comparison game? Or had a school dilemma before? How have you coped and overcome? This is my call out for HELP. I'm listening...any tips? Advice?