What I Wish I Would Have Said

Do you ever have those times when you have spoken with someone, later to recant the conversation in your mind, realizing that there was so much more value to what you WANTED to say, vs what you ACTUALLY said?

Well, that happened to me last night. Again. It's 4:30AM and I can't sleep. Why? Because all I can think about is what I wish I would have said, vs. what I managed to get out of my mouth. I so often wish that my mouth would speak words like my hands can write them! So often, conversations are left misunderstood (at least from my perspective) because I get nervous and struggle to speak the raw and honest truths from my heart, without total meltdown. Honestly, I'm a person who could talk for HOURS! Wade and I spend hours of almost every day in deep conversation about life, relationships and the things of God! But then, when I'm talking to people that I don't know as well or when I'm a bit intimidated....it's like my vocabulary shuts down and my mind turns to mush....leaving me gasping for the things that I really want to say!

Last night, this occurrence happened as I struggled to explain my testimony of Salvation. What bothers me is that I've known God, practically my whole life! TRUTH: many of those years were skewed understandings of who He truly is. Yet, I feel like giving a testimony of my journey to understanding true salvation should be easy because it is the most wonderful and glorious part of my life!

What I wish I would have said was, that my first understanding of God was that He is Yahweh the LORD our God! He is our creator, our maker, the Great I-AM, the beginning and the end. As a child my heart was in awe, with no doubt, that God was EVERYTHING and that I found safety in Him....no matter what I was facing in my own, natural life.

What I wish I would have said was, that I then spent years seeking after the hands of God and spent so much time focusing on my own heart, that I neglected to seek His. My "christian" life was submerged in a culture that was given fancy "christian titles" and a culture that sought out the supernatural with little regard to what the Scriptures really say. My prayers were genuine, yet shallow, and my faith lacked the wisdom to understand any differently.

What I wish I would have said was, once I found myself questioning the existence of such a God, who never "performed" in front of my own eyes, that I sought out mass religions in order to find the Great I-AM; with little luck of finding Him in those places either.

What I wish I would have said was, that I went back to the only type of "Christianity" that I knew and wasted years of my life serving man instead of God. That I now sought His face, but still forgot about His Word. The Bible was a place for reference, instead of enlightenment. That I spent many years using HIS scripture to prove MY causes instead of understanding that my causes should be created AFTER reading His scriptures!

and...What I REALLY, REALLY wish I would have said was, that after all of these years....after a few years of pulling away from the messed up "christian culture" that I was so (willingly) lead astray by, after seeking truth in His word and after coming to God in repentance for wasting so many years trying to make Him into something He is not, that my weak and tired heart finally understood that all the "efforts" I made in order to be walking in His salvation, were nothing more than dung! Because salvation is not about what I do (besides belief, understanding of His sacrifice and repentance), but instead about what HE does and has done. It's about a gift that is free but costs EVERYTHING-much like His life! I am saved because He is a jealous God who longs for His people and gave life, defeated death and overcame the grave....to have....me. I often question why He would even bother with such sacrifice, for someone like me, but then am humbled by the fact that He did and understand that there is nothing in the world that I could ever to do in order to MAKE it happen or in order to repay His love! And that I now know, at 31 years of age, that without a shadow of doubt that I am saved by His sacrifice, by His mercy, and by His grace, because this wretched heart deserves nothing on it's own, yet, through all of it desires nothing more than to spend every day of the rest of my life coming before Him and worshiping Him, thanking Him, and honoring Him for being so gracious.

Daily, I die to myself (take responsibility for my sin and repent/confess to God) and choose to live for Him. That is not my salvation, no, instead it is a humble heart that says, "thank you Lord".

"Lord, please help me to say the things of my heart. To speak your truths and the confidence that I have in you! Help me to NOT miss the moments of interference that could change a life for eternity, just because I struggle to get the words out. Let this voice be used for you and to speak your word, until there is no more sound left in this natural body. Then, I pray, let it be used to magnify you in heaven, for all of eternity. Amen"

Terrors in the Night

I was up, again, last night. Much like many of my other mommy friends, I'm sure. However, we were not waken because of baby crying or the fact that I'm six months pregnant and have to pee every 2 hours. No. Instead, we were up again, because of our V'leah.

My 3 year old is an eccentric little person, to say the least. Life with 'leah is never dull, never slow and rarely "normal" -whatever normal is. Her little mind and her strength astound and scare me at the same time. This is the girl who walked at 7 months, who tried to climb out a living room window around her 1st birthday, who potty trained herself (even overnight) with little help or coaxing from me or dad and who often reminds us that she can do things "herself", a little girl who loves all things beautiful and wants nothing more in life (at least at this point in time) than to be loved by God and to be like her current hero, "Angelina Ballerina"-a cartoon mouse. I don't mention these traits about her to brag, although I'm sure when I'm an elder I will, but instead as a plea for prayer! There are many times when I wish she came along with a "caution" sign, so others could understand her better. We don't need people to feel sorry for us or to try to parent our child for us, but instead, prayer and encouragement goes a very, very long ways, in this house.

Last nights incident has unfortunately worked it's way into the "one of those nights" categories, for daddy and I. Last night, around 1am, while most of the other "littles" in our town were fast asleep (or so I hope!), our V'leah was experiencing a night terror. This time, when I found her, she was in a corner squeezing her bunny (named: funny), crying and squealing, "EWE! GROSS! THE WORMS! THE WORMS!"

I cannot begin to tell you how heart wrenching it is to see my brave and strong little girl, so afraid of....nothing. A terror is just that, it's nothing. I've been doing some research in order to try to understand this occurrence and what I've found is that terrors are known to happen between the 3rd and 4th stages of NON-REM sleep. So what she is experiencing is not even fully classified as a dream! Dreams happen during our REM stage, this is a light and fluttery stage of sleep. The point where V'leah is finding worms and swarms of mosquitoes and beetles that haunt her in her sleep is a point of the sleep cycle where her body is in a deep mode of rest, yet somehow, her mind is creating these creatures (for her they are bugs) that cause so much fear and panic, that it wakes her into what is usually a zombie-like (for lack of better terms) cognition. When a person wakes from such a deep rest/sleep, their hearts will often race and they are usually confused and disoriented. Many adults have experienced this feeling when waking from a noise in the house or from a spouse moving in the bed. Usually they are outside elements that cause us to wake, in such a slumber. But for V'leah, her "waking elements" are invisible and do not exists. Hers are fabricated somewhere in that intense little mind of hers.

So last night, after trying to converse with her about the bugs, after checking over every inch of her bed and under the covers too, just to be sure that there were no worms and that indeed she was safe in her own room, she was finally able to trust me and crawl back into her cute little bed. We prayed and I reminded her of something I was recently taught, to combat my own scary nights: to wake up our minds and point out that the objects are "not real"! She then turned over, with funny in hands, and drifted quickly back to sleep. 

But then, I was up. My mind spent the better part of the rest of the night trying to figure out where this is coming from. The research says that there is no specific cause and it usually subsides itself, over time, but that stress can be part of it along with a growing nervous system. "OK", says my mind, "lets logically solve this, then". Stress....I lay there in bed like many recent nights since this has been happening, envisioning our day in reverse, over and over and over again. My own incredibly tired mind struggles through thoughts of inadequacy as a mother, of where I failed her through the day, of how I could have done things differently...better. Thoughts like, "I yelled at her....more than once", "We didn't follow a strict routine", "she must have watched one to many episodes of her favorite show", "we didn't play together enough", "I didn't take her outside to play", "she had to much sugar or low quality food".......Thoughts like these quickly remind me of the LOADS of people who frequently tell us, "change her diet", "that girl needs MORE routine and consistency", "she needs punishment and consequences", "she shouldn't eat certain foods", "she needs energy outlets to work it all off", "you should talk with her more", "you should pray with her more", "you should have her in programs with other kids", "you should have her in programs to use her energy", and the list goes on and on and on....

I am sure other mothers out there understand these sorts of conversations. I've probably suggested things to other moms myself, without realizing how stressful and damaging they could possibly end up becoming. We try to help with valid efforts because we DO care. But lately, with 'leah, honestly...the best help is a cup of coffee and an "I've been there". Or an escape away with my hubby, even just for a couple hours so that we can collect ourselves! Or a smile and a helping hand.

Most days I'm tired. Most days I'm broken as a parent, and learning. Most days I feel inadequate and try to remind God that I'm not strong enough for the things (and people) He gives to me. Most days I wish I could hit rewind and start over again. Most days it is the little things, the hugs and kisses, the "I love yous" and the kind (and rare) moments when I accidentally catch my girls being nice to each other that keep my little light shining. I'm so thankful for the little things. They are really BIG things in my life. They bring joy into my heart and remind me that even though I truly might not be strong enough for all of this, God IS, and He is with me in this crazy journey called life and parenting. I'm not alone. Even in the darkest hours of the night, when all I want to do is cry and take these scary "terrors in the night" away and help my baby have peace....He is there, His spirit encouraging me to wake up one more time. To be strong for her. To be strong for me, and, that this to shall pass.

Have any of you experienced anything like these "night terrors" with your children? If so, what has helped you combat them?

My Dilemma

I just realized that I have completely forgotten to share my "visual" to go along with the previous post "Mirror Mirror". Sorry about that. Tomorrow will be a great day to get that post finished and up on the blog. I'll give you a hint *it references the sisters, Martha and Mary (friends of Jesus)*

In the meantime, I have something else that is completely occupying my mind and I feel that I must share it and get as much advice and feed back as possible, else I might be found curled up in bed, crying, for the rest of the night, or, huddled over a gallon of ice cream, contemplating life!

Before I go into detail, on my dilemma, please know that I have been in prayer about this. Have I prayed as much as possible? Not likely. Issues like these tend to distract me from what I know I should be doing. What is that verse again, where Paul explains how he does what he shouldn't and long for what he knows is right?! Yeah, totally different dilemma...guaranteed. But nonetheless, I have prayed and am still completely torn!

Here's the deal....

(An excerpt from a recent email that I sent to my very best High School friend, who now has kids of her own, who are older than mine)

“I'm REALLY struggling right now with the whole "school" issue. V'leah is 3 1/2 and is a very active child!!! We were recommended to do Head Start with her, already, last year. Never did. Then I decided that I don't like head start and have never liked public school....so then thought about alternatives. Frankly, we cannot afford private, while we are both FT college students. So I opted for Home Schooling, which I've always thought would be great to do with my kids one day. We got some books (not an official program, since she's only pre-school aged) and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how I'm possibly going to Home School her and give her the time and attention (not to mention finding other child interactions), while having Jo only being 1 and Selah due in Dec, 

my FT school schedule AND wade's! 

Am I crazy?!?!

IDK...I SO want to offer the best I can for my kids...but just not sure if I'm making decisions that are right for them, or for me. I'm so scared of sending my kids into the world and having them come home bruised and beaten down! To come home with spouses of the same sex (or having to explain that lifestyle choice to them) or with drugs in their pockets or babies in their bellies! I know that at age 3, there is only so much they are truly exposed to...but, do you know what I mean? Have you ever had these thoughts before?

So I guess what I'm asking is, how you do it? Tips?! I know you struggled through Public School....what was it that made the decision for you that it would be ok for your kids? It totally doesn't help that I'm prego and jam packed with emotions! grrr.... but yeah, wade is totally on board for Head Start....I'm feeling like I want to bury myself in a hole and cry! So much for having it all together for my kids........”

Am I a double minded mother?! It seems like there have been quite a few times when I've declared a decision for something (pro or con)...I end up being defeated, by myself!! My good intentions tend to become failures...all the while, what I REALLY want to do is be an extraordinary mom! My heart is torn. I think that I often get so excited for opportunities and ideas that I forget to count the cost of such decisions/actions. The one place in life where I am certain is in my faith. But even in my faith, I find myself trying to keep up with all of the super-mom's who keep their babies "untouched" by the "world" and who raise/have raised exemplary children who are polite and behave themselves. Who know all of the presidents in order and quote the Bible better than many adults! You know, those amazing kids that we all wish our children would learn from?! 

Well...the fact is, my kids came with wings. Not angel wings, but wings like the birds! My girls have beautiful spirits that long to stretch out their wings and fly into adventures! Yes, they are loud and often cranky. I mean...they ARE girls...LOL! j/k. They ask questions at very inopportune times and speak up when they have something they feel is important to say. They dance when they hear melodies and pretend to be ballerinas and princesses and bugs (yes, that is their new thing...buzzing all over the house). They like to touch things and smell them and understand how they work. They don't understand why people are mean and will be sure to notify if they feel they are being unfairly treated (which leads to some awesome "learning" conversations). It's likely that my children will not always be attentively by my side. It's likely you will find us running after one of them at the local department store, or trying to bribe them with treats and rides, if only they will just SIT in the cart! And you might, on occasion  find my 3 year old running through a aisle with a silly hat, purse and/or sunglasses (all of which we humbly say "good-bye" to, before heading for the checkout)......

But are they unruly? No. It is possible that they might be party monkey (curious George-like). My girls are sweet and with all of the energy that they exuberate, they give just as much LOVE!

So no, they are not perfect. And even typing this post, I'm realizing how UN-perfect I will ALWAYS be! Yet, I'm still torn between keeping my girls safe in my arms (at least for now) or trusting that maybe, just maybe we have done a good enough job parenting, thus far, to trust our girls to make wise-as wise as a 3 year old can make-decisions and that everything might work out ok.

Have any of you mom's gotten trapped into the comparison game? Or had a school dilemma before? How have you coped and overcome? This is my call out for HELP. I'm listening...any tips? Advice?

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

Mirror, Mirror on the wall...

Do I truly love at all?!

Who is this virtuous woman that Proverbs 31 talks about?! Is it even possible for us women, to live up to these standards today?

YES. ABSOLUTELY.

In the last post, we discussed how the first step in being Virtuous is Salvation and discipleship. Moving forward, the next two verses that describe this woman, that we aspire to be, are INCREDIBLY important. I would say that next to the Salvation portion, these are likely the next most important parts for us to get down.

WHY? You might ask….

They deal with our character. Who we are and how we act. From there, Proverbs 31 goes on to describe the “things” that she does, in order to be viewed (from others) as a Vitreous woman. But those things are not even valid and merely become works of “vanity”, unless we first establish our character.

OK, here we go ladies….Proverbs 31:11, 12

(11) The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

(12) She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

Let’s break these down and grasp an understanding of how they affect our Character as a woman and individual.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Can your husband have confidence in your personality? Can he trust you to be faithful to him? Can he trust that your mind is stable and your decisiveness is smooth? Is your husband married to an even tempered woman? Or is his wife’s emotions swayed like the wind, changing with each new breeze?

Next,

Do you actually do good to your husband? The kind of good that includes NO manipulation or hidden motives? Do you do good to him, only because you love him and want him to know that he is important, needed, special, loved, treasured? Or does your “good” come with conditions?

Vs. 11: the heart of a virtuous woman’s husband trusts her. Trust is vital in any relationship! This trust does not only imply a faithful and monogamous unity. It also implies that our temperament be steady. For example, can your husband talk to you about things that are important to him? Or, does he keep much to himself, because he knows that his wife will oppose him, or will change the topic to herself and then end up nagging at him. Does he have a wife that finds joy in life and in her walk with the Lord? Is her temper mild and she is able to get along well with those living in her own home? Or does she pace the halls, just waiting for one more person to disappoint her or set her off?!

Image taken from: www.afterdeployment.org

Are our motives pure and clean? Or do we use manipulation to get what we want?! The book of Proverbs speaks multiple times on a manipulative and whiney wife.

^“It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.” -Proverbs 21:9

^“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” –Proverbs 21:19

“It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.” –Proverbs 25:24

Get the point?!

Here’s the deal, we all have our bad days. No one is asking you to be perfect. But if your down days are outweighing your good days, maybe it’s time to check your attitude. Imagine how this affects your husband and children?!

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my husband to feel like it is better to live on our roof, or wander in the wilderness…than live with me! I don’t want him to come home every day and only desire to speak 2 words to me!  If I turn him away, where will he go?! Well, take a look around. Where do most husbands go, when their wives cause them to dislike their home life….they go to pornography, or into the arms of another woman!

NO WAY! NOT MY MAN! I want him to want me! I want him to find joy in me! I desire for him to talk to me and laugh with me and pray together, enjoy time together, grow old together! And I will do whatever it takes to make sure that I’ve done my part in this marriage! I cannot change my husband. He’s not 20 years old anymore and not the guy he was when we first met (praise God for that!). Yes, there are qualities that I miss…but how awesome is it that we can GROW together! I’m not 20 years old anymore either, and have no business looking for anyone that acts that age!

Here is something I learned, right at the start of our marriage. If we expect that our husbands will fulfill us and make our lives full of joy and peace, then we are sadly mistaken. They will fail. Every time. Joy and peace are attributes of God’s spirit (read previous post). My husband will NEVER measure up, if I set unrealistic standards. The only standards I can set are those that affect my own thoughts and actions. It’s strange how things turn out when we stop pointing our fingers at our men, and start looking in the mirror. Get your mirrors out, ladies. What does your countenance look like?! What message are you sending, with your own attitudes? Check yourself and find out how much easier it is to appreciate the gift (husband) that God made for you!

Although God made them to be the heads of their homes and families, he made women to be the help mate! You are VITALLY important!!! Not second place. Not less important. VITALLY important! For this reason, I strive to be virtuous! At the end of my life, I only desire to hear 2 things. 

• 1. How much my husband and children loved and appreciated me; how I positively affected their lives. 
• 2. To hear my savior and creator say to me, “well done, my good and faithful servant”.

It is possible, sister. YOU were created to be virtuous! It will take some effort, but you are strong and capable! Love your man with your character! Love him with a sound mind and a kind heart. Do him good, not evil. Treat him like the prize he is. He is a gift that renews itself every day! Even when he’s not the most desirable (or desirable at all?!), remember, there was something about him that attracted you to him when you first got married. Hold on to that! Find that in him, daily. If you don’t see it, look harder. Sometimes our man’s greatest attributes are hidden under daily stressors of life. But you know what brings them out, in the greatest of ways? What makes your man shine?! When we step up to the plate, and make ourselves the virtuous wives that they subconsciously crave!

Check out the next post: “The Martha/Mary Experience” for a Biblical and real life application of what today’s verses look like.

Far Above Rubies

A virtuous wife. Who can find her?

The Bible says that we are to Honour our husbands. What did that mean then, and what does it mean for us wives today?

I have SO much to say on this topic (as mentioned in "Superman Breakfast"), so over the course of the next few weeks/months I will be using scripture study, historical study, contemplation, tips/tricks and refinement of my own life, to gather together blog posts that I hope will inspire you, as much as they do me!

OK, so here we go....let's start with some good old Proverbs 31 (KJV style)!

It is first important to note that Proverbs 31 was written by a man, however in fact, was inspired by his mothers teachings. So it cannot be assumed that this section of scripture is created only by the longings of a mans heart, but also from a woman of wisdom. A great start, to becoming a virtuous wife is to be mentored and discipled! In the book of Titus, Paul is writing to Titus (who is in Crete) in order that he might pass along instruction for Titus, 

in order that he would teach/disciple others. 

In Titus 2, he says,

 "But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine:

2 That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience.

3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;

4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, 

to love their children,

5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, 

that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Here we see the importance of being taught by those who have been in our shoes. 

Sister, I know you are a capable woman, but please....don't go it alone!

First thing is first. You want to be a virtuous wife? Then you need God! Can you be a good wife without him? Absolutely. A great wife? I'm sure. But I'm sorry to say,

 you will never be a virtuous wife. "Her price is far above rubies" (Prov. 31:10). 

You're value is in Christ Jesus, who paid the most valuable prices....for you.

You want to be EVERYTHING that God has created you to be (yes, this is indeed achievable), then stop making excuses, study His Holy Word (King James Version, Bible), open up communication with God by prayer (just start talking to Him about how you are feeling, the sins you struggle with, needing understanding in His word...etc....), and get into a church that does not preach and teach fancy "series" messages on how to live a good life, but one that reads you scripture that causes you to examine your life and heart and brings you into a "right" and mature relationship with your creator. As you grow in Christ 

(through proper teaching and discipleship) you will grow as a woman and wife.

There will be more to come, as we continue to dig into the scriptures. 

But for now, this is the place to start. You are valuable, sister. 

More valuable that rubies (which happen to be my favorite stone)!

CHALLENGE 1: Examine your salvation and lifestyle, concerning God. 

Then find a woman, mentor or friend, who you can go to, learn from and lean on, 

as you strive to be the virtuous wife that God created you to be.

Superman Breakfast

Recently, we made Wade a Superman breakfast.

What is a Superman breakfast?

Well, it's a meal in honor of the special man in our home, that we appreciate SO much!

Right around fathers day I read a blog about dad's --->http://www.chancescoggins.com/onbehalfofallfathers and how if they want a tangible item, they will just buy it themselves. They are men and that's how they function. However, what it is that they really need is to know that they are LOVED. That they are NEEDED. That they are IMPORTANT, VALUABLE, CHOSEN, STRONG, and that they are the Superman of their home.

I have so much on this topic that I would like to say, and will, in future posts. But for now I will say that our Superman breakfast was a tiny little way to say, THANKS FOR ALL YOU DO!

Thank you dad (Paul) for sacrificing some of your dreams in order to work all of these years, to provide for your family. I hope that one day you are able to live your dreams to the fullest and realize that you deserve that opportunity. Thank you.

Thank you dad (Pablo) for working your fingers to the bone, for little return. All of those years of you working 2 jobs....I never fully appreciated you or understood your significance, until I was an adult. Thank you for doing it anyways! Thank you.

Thank you dad (Dave) for working a job that brings physical pain. You have so much talent and ability, yet you give yourself to a job that brings much joy to thousands of people (who enjoy the goodies you make), yet, to you brings a long commute and long hours. All, so you can provide. Thank you.

and...

Thank you Wade for understanding and supporting the value of education and learning! Thank you for the example you are to our girls and for loving us the way that you do! Thank you for sacrificing your sleeping hours to go out into farm fields, while we are all home, snug, in bed. Thank you for the dreams and goals you get so excited about, the conversations that we have about the Lord, and the projects that we so often get in-over-our-heads in, together. You are truly the Superman in our lives and we love and appreciate you more than you could ever know!

This Mom's Journey

Today is Mother's Day. As I sit at my desk, relaxing to the sound of lawn mowers and drills (everyone in our neighborhood, out enjoying the spring weather in Minnesota), I can't help but reflect on the journey that God has led me through over the last 11 years.

About 11 years ago I met a man, one who I deeply fell in love with and one who would change the course of my life, forever. More than I have ever mentioned to you, on this blog, before. This man and I have had quite the journey of our own, which I will blog about in August (our anniversary), however, since he is my husband and the father of our children- today I am reflecting on our "parenting" journey.

Mothering is a HARD job! Any mom could tell you, it's completely worth it, but at the same time completely consumes you. I have not lost my identity in mothering though. In fact, I believe that I have gained it. You see, my road to mothering has been everything BUT easy and joyful. Honestly, it has been filled with pain and fear and sacrifice. 

"OUR STORY"

In 2007, after many years of off and on dating (AND one broken engagement), Wade took me on a long walk and finished by telling me the most shocking story about his life that I had ever heard! More shocking than I could have ever expected and one that to this day, I sometimes wish would have only been a dream.

The man I had loved for so many years sat on a bench and poured his heart out to me about his sexual addiction and about how he had committed a sexual crime by having a relationship with a teenager. He went on to explain how he was overtaken by conviction and had gone to the police and turned himself in, in attempts to face this addiction and to try to make things in his life "right". 

I will never forget sitting on that park bench, half feeling like I wanted to puke, half feeling like I was so blind for not ever knowing about the "porn" or any of it! In my heart, I remember silently screaming "HELP!!!", to the Lord. "HELP! I don't know what to do or what to say or how to feel or think or anything!"

As I looked at him, sitting there across from me, tears staining his scared and remorseful face....all I could do was love him anyways. It was the first and most definite time that I have EVER experienced the feeling of unconditional love. 

He gave me an out and explained that he would NEVER hold it against me if I wanted to just run away and never look back. But I couldn't do it. I knew this man (most of him, anyway) and I knew that if a man had the courage to go turn himself in over an addiction and to face the consequences of a crime, then he must be repentant. So I ran.....into the arms of Jesus and straight towards the mountain of trials and pain that would consume the next years of our lives!!!! All I could do was put on my spiritual armor and scream at the enemy "BRING IT ON"!!!

And so the enemy did! Full force, we faced court hearings and persecution. We were condemned by the church and lost most of our friends. I lost family over it and many of our freedoms. We spent our engagement with him in jail and years of Wade struggling his way through treatment groups.

However, if I thought that was hard...the worst was yet to come. Very shortly after we married (within months), we became pregnant with V'leah- our first daughter. The plan was to have NO kids, but it happened and I remember sitting on the bathroom floor with 3 positive tests surrounding me, looking up at Wade and crying. I wasn't sure if I should be happy or scared, so I just bawled my heart out.

Over the months of our pregnancy, I was blessed to have a county nurse visiting with me a few times a month. She helped me through the pregnancy and helped us prepare for parenting (something intimidated both of us). I will forever be thankful for her because she was there through the absolute hardest experience of my life.

The thing is, people don't like other people who carry the label "sex offender". Frankly, that is the title that my husband legally has. It's a hard term to choke down and even harder one to accept. It's scary and really causes a lot of people to shy away from my husband, without ever getting to know him or ever hearing our story. The county is especially one of those groups who has no tolerance for sex offenders. This might be rightfully so, yet, does not make it any easier for those who are genuinely doing EVERYTHING possible to change their lives. So when Wade informed probation and treatment group that we were "expecting", they suggested that we made a HUGE mistake and should consider aborting our precious V'leah.

Even now, I am shaking while I type this, out of so much sadness over the thought of her never existing!!!! Well, suffice to say, that was absolutely NOT an option. So the people who have control over our lives suggested to us that they were not sure we would be able to keep our baby and may not have permission to be parents. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to hear in my life! This led to many conversations with my nurse, about the possibility of giving our child up for adoption, at birth. My heart was completely torn out of my chest and I felt helpless in every way! I remember getting to a point when I thought the world was just spinning around me and everything was out of control, throwing my fists up to God and crying out to Him with everything I had inside of me! It was like a David moment, in complete surrender, I gave Him every emotion I had (the good, bad, beautiful and ugly).

Shortly after, I asked to meet with the treatment facilitator to talk about the pregnancy. I'm not a fighter, but that day, I could have taken a pit bull down! My heart was broken and I had nothing else to lose, so I went into that office and went rounds with the Therapist. Without being arrogant, I reminded him that there was nothing he could say that I didn't already know and that I understood the realms of Psychology, as I would one day be sitting in his chair, doing his job! I informed him that I knew about generational vulnerabilities and that there was no way in Hell I would let him split my family up or to cause my children to be without a father (another suggestion from the "people that be" was for Wade and I to separate), like my husband was and to allow them to be vulnerable to addictive personalities that can arise from children who grow up without a dad! All of this addiction, all of this pain, all of the divorce in our families and such....would end with us! No matter how hard it would be!

And so, we were granted permission to keep our beautiful V'leah.

A year later, we experienced the painful loss of miscarriage, which was another moment of testing in my character. No mother should ever have to experience this sort of pain, but, as so many wise women gently informed me....it does soften with time. And in time (1 year to the month), we were again expecting. The hole that our miscarriage dug, was filled with the joy of expecting another baby girl. But again, she came with a fight. This fight was much shorter and easier to win, however, still caused us to fear the power that others can have over your life, when you are labeled a "sex offender family".

So here we are today. 2013 and we have another baby in the making. This time, there has been not struggle, as we have proven that we are able to provide a safe and nurturing home for our children. The battle has been won, but the struggle is far from over. Our life consists of Probation meetings, a loss of civil rights, probationary restrictions and social workers and police who occasionally keep tabs on us. Recently, the state of MN passed a bill that requires all "sex offender families" to be scrutinized by Social Services and to have their case files reviewed by the Child Protection Services. We unexpectedly had a social worker (she was very kind) inspect our home and individually interview both Wade and I, with the chance that we could have our children removed from our home. This was happening all over the state. We have been fortunate to have passed the inspection and our case was closed. However, I politely spoke to the social worker and said, "I am not angry with you, because I know you are just doing your job and truthfully, we put ourselves in this position. But I just want to know, at what point in our lives, will you people just leave us alone? When do we get the opportunity to live a "normal" life?" There was no answer, but she kindly reassured to me that she was not concerned at all about me OR Wade's ability to be good parents and have a great family.

So today I celebrate the victory that is mine as a mother. The fact that today I woke up in my own bed, next to the man I love most in the world, with a baby growing in my stomach and two amazing girls fast asleep and safe in their beds. Today I celebrate all of the tears that were wiped away by our merciful savior and for the fact that His grace is sufficient to cover a multitude of sin's. Our family is far from perfect and us Doty's will never be normal anyways, so for the future, again I say "bring it on". But beware, enemy, this Mommy's learned to fight on my knees and when I have done everything I can to stand, I WILL stand and when you think I am the weakest, I will be the strongest and would die before I let my family fall subject to your evil ways!

Today, Mother's Day 2013, I rise in my armor made of lace and rejoice that although the battle may not be over, the VICTORY has already been won!