Today is Mother's Day. As I sit at my desk, relaxing to the sound of lawn mowers and drills (everyone in our neighborhood, out enjoying the spring weather in Minnesota), I can't help but reflect on the journey that God has led me through over the last 11 years.
About 11 years ago I met a man, one who I deeply fell in love with and one who would change the course of my life, forever. More than I have ever mentioned to you, on this blog, before. This man and I have had quite the journey of our own, which I will blog about in August (our anniversary), however, since he is my husband and the father of our children- today I am reflecting on our "parenting" journey.
Mothering is a HARD job! Any mom could tell you, it's completely worth it, but at the same time completely consumes you. I have not lost my identity in mothering though. In fact, I believe that I have gained it. You see, my road to mothering has been everything BUT easy and joyful. Honestly, it has been filled with pain and fear and sacrifice.
"OUR STORY"
In 2007, after many years of off and on dating (AND one broken engagement), Wade took me on a long walk and finished by telling me the most shocking story about his life that I had ever heard! More shocking than I could have ever expected and one that to this day, I sometimes wish would have only been a dream.
The man I had loved for so many years sat on a bench and poured his heart out to me about his sexual addiction and about how he had committed a sexual crime by having a relationship with a teenager. He went on to explain how he was overtaken by conviction and had gone to the police and turned himself in, in attempts to face this addiction and to try to make things in his life "right".
I will never forget sitting on that park bench, half feeling like I wanted to puke, half feeling like I was so blind for not ever knowing about the "porn" or any of it! In my heart, I remember silently screaming "HELP!!!", to the Lord. "HELP! I don't know what to do or what to say or how to feel or think or anything!"
As I looked at him, sitting there across from me, tears staining his scared and remorseful face....all I could do was love him anyways. It was the first and most definite time that I have EVER experienced the feeling of unconditional love.
He gave me an out and explained that he would NEVER hold it against me if I wanted to just run away and never look back. But I couldn't do it. I knew this man (most of him, anyway) and I knew that if a man had the courage to go turn himself in over an addiction and to face the consequences of a crime, then he must be repentant. So I ran.....into the arms of Jesus and straight towards the mountain of trials and pain that would consume the next years of our lives!!!! All I could do was put on my spiritual armor and scream at the enemy "BRING IT ON"!!!
And so the enemy did! Full force, we faced court hearings and persecution. We were condemned by the church and lost most of our friends. I lost family over it and many of our freedoms. We spent our engagement with him in jail and years of Wade struggling his way through treatment groups.
However, if I thought that was hard...the worst was yet to come. Very shortly after we married (within months), we became pregnant with V'leah- our first daughter. The plan was to have NO kids, but it happened and I remember sitting on the bathroom floor with 3 positive tests surrounding me, looking up at Wade and crying. I wasn't sure if I should be happy or scared, so I just bawled my heart out.
Over the months of our pregnancy, I was blessed to have a county nurse visiting with me a few times a month. She helped me through the pregnancy and helped us prepare for parenting (something intimidated both of us). I will forever be thankful for her because she was there through the absolute hardest experience of my life.
The thing is, people don't like other people who carry the label "sex offender". Frankly, that is the title that my husband legally has. It's a hard term to choke down and even harder one to accept. It's scary and really causes a lot of people to shy away from my husband, without ever getting to know him or ever hearing our story. The county is especially one of those groups who has no tolerance for sex offenders. This might be rightfully so, yet, does not make it any easier for those who are genuinely doing EVERYTHING possible to change their lives. So when Wade informed probation and treatment group that we were "expecting", they suggested that we made a HUGE mistake and should consider aborting our precious V'leah.
Even now, I am shaking while I type this, out of so much sadness over the thought of her never existing!!!! Well, suffice to say, that was absolutely NOT an option. So the people who have control over our lives suggested to us that they were not sure we would be able to keep our baby and may not have permission to be parents. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to hear in my life! This led to many conversations with my nurse, about the possibility of giving our child up for adoption, at birth. My heart was completely torn out of my chest and I felt helpless in every way! I remember getting to a point when I thought the world was just spinning around me and everything was out of control, throwing my fists up to God and crying out to Him with everything I had inside of me! It was like a David moment, in complete surrender, I gave Him every emotion I had (the good, bad, beautiful and ugly).
Shortly after, I asked to meet with the treatment facilitator to talk about the pregnancy. I'm not a fighter, but that day, I could have taken a pit bull down! My heart was broken and I had nothing else to lose, so I went into that office and went rounds with the Therapist. Without being arrogant, I reminded him that there was nothing he could say that I didn't already know and that I understood the realms of Psychology, as I would one day be sitting in his chair, doing his job! I informed him that I knew about generational vulnerabilities and that there was no way in Hell I would let him split my family up or to cause my children to be without a father (another suggestion from the "people that be" was for Wade and I to separate), like my husband was and to allow them to be vulnerable to addictive personalities that can arise from children who grow up without a dad! All of this addiction, all of this pain, all of the divorce in our families and such....would end with us! No matter how hard it would be!
And so, we were granted permission to keep our beautiful V'leah.
A year later, we experienced the painful loss of miscarriage, which was another moment of testing in my character. No mother should ever have to experience this sort of pain, but, as so many wise women gently informed me....it does soften with time. And in time (1 year to the month), we were again expecting. The hole that our miscarriage dug, was filled with the joy of expecting another baby girl. But again, she came with a fight. This fight was much shorter and easier to win, however, still caused us to fear the power that others can have over your life, when you are labeled a "sex offender family".
So here we are today. 2013 and we have another baby in the making. This time, there has been not struggle, as we have proven that we are able to provide a safe and nurturing home for our children. The battle has been won, but the struggle is far from over. Our life consists of Probation meetings, a loss of civil rights, probationary restrictions and social workers and police who occasionally keep tabs on us. Recently, the state of MN passed a bill that requires all "sex offender families" to be scrutinized by Social Services and to have their case files reviewed by the Child Protection Services. We unexpectedly had a social worker (she was very kind) inspect our home and individually interview both Wade and I, with the chance that we could have our children removed from our home. This was happening all over the state. We have been fortunate to have passed the inspection and our case was closed. However, I politely spoke to the social worker and said, "I am not angry with you, because I know you are just doing your job and truthfully, we put ourselves in this position. But I just want to know, at what point in our lives, will you people just leave us alone? When do we get the opportunity to live a "normal" life?" There was no answer, but she kindly reassured to me that she was not concerned at all about me OR Wade's ability to be good parents and have a great family.
So today I celebrate the victory that is mine as a mother. The fact that today I woke up in my own bed, next to the man I love most in the world, with a baby growing in my stomach and two amazing girls fast asleep and safe in their beds. Today I celebrate all of the tears that were wiped away by our merciful savior and for the fact that His grace is sufficient to cover a multitude of sin's. Our family is far from perfect and us Doty's will never be normal anyways, so for the future, again I say "bring it on". But beware, enemy, this Mommy's learned to fight on my knees and when I have done everything I can to stand, I WILL stand and when you think I am the weakest, I will be the strongest and would die before I let my family fall subject to your evil ways!
Today, Mother's Day 2013, I rise in my armor made of lace and rejoice that although the battle may not be over, the VICTORY has already been won!
